Confessions of a Runaway…..MGO

I don’t think I ever planned to run away from this blog or my old life…not intentionally, anyway.

Originally I thought I was just doing that thing my family does: we move away from one place and get settled in another.

Initially, I thought this move would be just like the others. The first few weeks are always hectic with boxes and introductions and settling in to a new routine, but eventually, I seem to always find a way to maintain old relationships while I enter into new ones, keeping one foot in my old life and the other in my new one.

This move was different.

I thought after we were settled here I would finally be able to completely dissect my grief. I would examine all of the events that had transpired in my life over the last two years and I would break them down into their smallest parts. I would process and investigate and journal and have great revelations with incredible insight. Instead, I sat down to write a blog post, reread a few of my older entries, and realized I was completely sick of hearing myself think and talk. All the grieving had left me exhausted and empty…and desperately needing a change.

In December of last year, I wrote about how I was “muddling through” the holidays. At some point in the transition from our old home to our new home, I decided I was sick and tired of just muddling. For awhile, it was the best I could do and the only way I could survive. But after two years of “just surviving,” I didn’t think I could simply “muddle” for even one more day. Call it denial, call it avoidance, but I had to find a place on the shelf to put my grief before it completely consumed me. I think maybe the grief did completely consume me because I am not the person I was before all of this happened.

Even after most of the boxes had been unpacked and we were mostly settled into a new routine, I found I was hesitant to go back to life the way it had been. And whether it was the “right,” “best,” or “nice” thing to do, I found it was easier for me to unplug from my old life for awhile.

I haven’t done a good job of keeping up with my friends from before the move, both the ones I’ve spent time with in the flesh and those of you who are my friends in my cyberlife. I feel like I should apologize for not being in touch, for not returning calls and emails, but I’m not really sorry. Maybe I should clarify that. I have missed my friends but I needed to be fully present in my new life the past few months.

For those of you who have reached out to me over the past few months, I hope I didn’t hurt you if I didn’t respond with the appreciation and love I truly feel for you.

I’ve had a lot to grieve the past year. I’ve been very outspoken about how much I miss my dad, but I’ve also had to deal with losses I didn’t talk about as freely. A lot has changed. Some for the better and some, well some for  the very different. I have spent the last few months making a conscious effort to be about the business of living. Seeing, smelling, tasting, feeling….and some days just being present in the act of being. I don’t want to muddle through this Christmas. I want to live it fully with everything I have in me. I don’t want to go through the motions for the sake of the kids. I want to celebrate this season with a full and grateful heart.

So that’s where I’ve been. As for where I’m going, I don’t know for sure. But I do know I’m thankful for the people who do life with me and who love me for who I am….whoever that may be this week.

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22 Comments

Filed under Blogging, My Grief Observed

22 responses to “Confessions of a Runaway…..MGO

  1. So glad to hear your blog voice…You’ve been on my heart and I’ve been praying…Just so you know. 🙂

  2. Lisa@SliceOfLife

    I’ve missed you muchly. And I heart you.

  3. Meredith

    I’ve missed your voice…but I totally understand…and love you bunches.

  4. Becky Smith

    I missed your blog. Happy Birthday tomorrow by the way! I am praying for you and your wonderful family.

  5. Hey, missed you. I’d be feeling the same way.

  6. Jen G

    A very brave and hard choice! Praying for so much Christmas joy that you won’t know which tears are what! You all are loved and missed.

  7. Sami

    Glad to read your words. Take your time. You owe no one anything 🙂

  8. Teresa

    I am so glad to hear from you…I could write this same post about the last nine weeks…I have returned so few emails, calls, etc…and felt bad but just did not have the energy…and if I said what I felt most of my friends would not get it….thanks for your sweet note. Jack is 95 % back…..but I will not say the last 9 weeks have been easy…Please email me and tell me how you liked the Mouse…We are hoping to take the entire family in the Spring….if not then the fall…its Jacks goal….He is driving, walking with no help…no cane, no anything…just has a little weakness in his left shoulder and hand…
    but is still weak from 6 weeks in the hospital….Have a wonderful Christmas…

  9. Nica

    True, you don’t owe anyone anything here, but I must admit to worrying about your silence and what it meant about how you’ve been doing. I do so hope that joy continues to find its way back into your life.

    Even Methodists and Presbyterians deserve some of that fruit! Love ya =)

  10. I’ve missed you. But I totally understand where you’re at and want you to be happy and whole! Will continue praying for you!

  11. I’ve thought of you often during your blogging absence, and I’m so glad you wrote again. I know how good time away can be though, and if you need it, take it. I’m still trying to find my way back into the blogging world (maybe), and I definitely hope you’ll be in it.

  12. Kay

    I so understand your predicament…if that’s the right word. Mmm. Sometimes I honestly think if I could just unplug from all the “extra” stuff I do and just take care of my house and cook my family’s meals and …live… I would be so much better off. Sometimes all the words and all the things on the calendar and all the relationships and all the obligations just overwhelm me. I get it.

    Good to hear from you again.

  13. Good to have you back, even if it’s not the same you we knew before. God is doing something great in you. I know it! Nothing is in vain when bathed in His grace and wisdom. HUGS!!

  14. Lupe Meza

    WOW!Thanks for sharing your heart. May the Lord continue to bless you in every which way. You are still an amazing woman, much like your mom and of course your dad. What a great man! I think of him when I see the choir and when certain songs are played. He blessed my life. I am thankful…love you.

  15. linda

    It is so good to hear from you! I don’t think anyone grieves wrong, they just grieve as it comes. My mom said she did not grieve her mother’s death until mom’s last child (I) went to college. I was three when Granny Ruth past away, I thought that was strange until my Dad past away. That year Christmas did not phase me, but the next year I could barely get through the church Christmas program. Last year with your Dad’s passing, Christmas was not nearly as hard as it is this year. There seems to be no reasoning when it comes to greif. All I know for sure it that my mom seems to be at peace with her mom’s death, and I know that she will be very happy to see her again. My mom is now 80 years old. I wish that I could choose when, where and how long I grieve, but unfortunatly I can’t. But, I do live and love and laugh in the mist of all of it. I still think, Death is just weird!

  16. You do what you have to do, girl. No worries, no guilt. I pray for you when God brings you to mind. And I will always be thankful for the season I got to chat with you often. Love you!

  17. Lydia Stevenson

    It too has been one of those years for me, not the same circumstances but painful for sure. It probably has been one of the hardest years of my life. That is why I haven’t started a blog yet, the feelings are too raw, the hurt too fresh. There is a Polish word that means I feel with you. I think it is so much better than I feel for you, or I feel bad for you. As much as I can understand your circumstances cause who can really walk in someone else shoes, I feel with you. I won’t write it in Polish because it would just look like a bunch of consonants without many vowels. hahah You are loved, muchly…

  18. I agree with what someone earlier said about the fact that you are different than who you were before. God is doing something great in you. Take all the time you need. I love you, and I don’t even know you.

  19. I love unapologetic living! I love that you are making decisions and moving in whatever direction God sends you!

    and I just can’t WAIT to get all caught up when you settle in.

    Love you, friend.

  20. I’ve missed you too, but sometimes “life” takes turns that affect us in different ways. It took me so much longer to “get over” my mom’s death (14 yrs. ago) than I expected. After 2 years I finally began to quit connecting every event with “this long after Mom died.” I hope 2011 is a much better year for you & that the new changes will be good ones & draw you closer to God.

  21. Loveyou. I hope your Christmas was amazing, and hope this year is off to a fully lived start, as well.

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