My Kids and Their Mother, The Island-Drink-Loving Screamer

Most moms assume a call from the school means they have a sick child that needs to come home. I assume one of my kids has said or done something that the teachers found too hilarious to wait until pick-up line to tell me. They almost always start the conversation the same way: “You’ll never guess what ______ said/did today.”

“Nope. I probably won’t. So why don’t you go ahead and tell me.”

After B’s kindergarten teacher told me of his latest zinger, I decided to interrogate ask him about the incident on the way home from school.

“Mrs. D said you did a good job in reading today. What word did she ask you to read?”


“Did you get to use it in a sentence?”



“Yes, MA’AM. Do you remember what your sentence was?”

(Knowing grin) “Yes, MA’AM.”

“Well, I’d love to hear it.”

“‘My mother screamed at me.'”

“Your mother screamed at you.”


“Yes, MA’AM.”

“Yes, MA’AM.”

“B. Does your mother scream at you?”

“No, but it makes a very funny sentence.”


Meanwhile, A told her class that she LOVES peanut butter and pina colada sandwiches. In fact, she said, her mother just loves pina colada. Her mom has pina colada almost every day. A told me she told her class that pina colada is one of our family’s very favorite things. What in the world did I put in her lunch box that day, you ask? A peanut butter and NUTELLA sandwich. Sometimes she confuses words. For the record and before you call CPS and just in case anyone from our incredible school is reading, this is the only pina colada I allow the children to drink:

I’m expecting a visit from a member or two of the school board just any day to discuss my tendency to get drunk on coconutty island beverages and yell at my kids. I’ll let you know how everything turns out.

I won’t be seeing you tomorrow, but I didn’t want to leave this week without being sure that you had heard about my big plans for Saturday night. I’m going to a concert! It’s at THE Ryman Auditorium in Nashville and just wait until you hear who’s going to be there: Jon Foreman (from Switchfoot), Alison Krauss and Union Station, Big Kenny, Mat Kearney, Jars of Clay, Brandon Heath, NEEDTOBREATHE, Dave Barnes (oh, how I love him!), and Matt Wertz. Want to come? You can! Want to know what I love about this concert, besides the incredible line-up? I get to wear my pajamas. I don’t even have to leave my house! It’s all happening online at  All the ticket proceeds from the Nashville show are going towards Compassion International’s efforts to help Haiti. The nightly news may have moved on to other stories, but people in Haiti are still struggling to have their daily basic needs met. We can’t forget and move on to the next story.

UPDATE: I think I made it sound like I’m actually going to be at the concert in Nashville. I am not. I wish I were. But Compassion is broadcasting it live and I can watch it for free from the comforts of my own home! The concert starts at 7:30 p.m. CST and all you have to do is click over to and you can watch it with me…from the comforts of YOUR home.

In other news, I’ll be hopefully broadcasting live from Alabama next week. K and I have to attend a special training course in preparation for his upcoming job change this summer. I went to a junior version of this course a couple of years ago for one of his previous positions. They nicknamed that school “Charm School,” so I guess this is “Charm School 2.0.” I’m not sure the first course took anyway. (Ask my kids’ teachers if you doubt that.) From what I can ascertain, my schedule looks pretty full, but maybe I’ll have some time in the evenings to check in with my friends who live in my computer. Or maybe I’ll see you at the concert tomorrow night.  I’m sure our paths will cross somewhere along the way. Until then, have a peanut butter and pina colada sandwich in my honor….and while you’re at it, scream at a kid. (I am SO just joking!)



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22 responses to “My Kids and Their Mother, The Island-Drink-Loving Screamer

  1. Amy

    The children asked me to “bump glasses” with them at dinner last night. I feel much better now. Thank you!

  2. That’s hilarious — you crack me up 🙂 Even though I couldn’t see any pictures or videos, I assume the only added to the greatness of your post 🙂

    oh and have a good trip!

  3. carpoolqueen

    My phone calls aren’t about funny things my kids said.

    And by the time I hang up, life’s about to get unfunny for them.

  4. Yeah…

    I suppose I land somewhere betwixt you and the CPQ. Sometimes I hear…”Guess what_____ did?” with a smile in the voice, and then I hear the same verse with a frown.

    The beauty is, life keeps me hopping b/c I never know which one it’ll be.

    Hope you don’t run into any stool or drinking angels, either. 😉

  5. heh heh heh heh. Its about like the time CE told his Sunday school class during “prayer time” that his sister pulled a pot on her head.
    Teacher gets all worried and thinks she pulled a boiling pot of spaghetti noodles or something on her head.
    Nope, just a regular glass dish from the tupperware cabinet.
    But, I shore had some ‘splainin to do!
    Have FUN at the concert! Take pics! I’d love to see N2B. You know they’re from Sakerlina…Possum Kingdom to be exact.

  6. rmarch979

    Love this! My 1st grader has told all of her SS teachers and Wed night leaders that she can’t read…at all. Really? The homeschool kid can’t read? I’m getting funny looks…

  7. Jennifer

    Love. it. Seriously! Our kids should meet (my oldest sounds just like yours!) – his “zingers/one liners” keep his teachers in stitches and the carpool line usually stalls a minute or two as they tell me his latest tales from the day. Sometimes I can laugh with them….others….not so much – it’s kind of a mouth drop open in shame, “let me explain what he meant please!!!” kind of moment!!! His recent most famous is telling the lunch lady this year who was trying to serve him spaghetti (which he does not like) that “you KNOW I’m Mexican” and he is NOT Mexican. His teacher was like WHAT??? We had some ‘splaining to do on that one, and I honestly had no idea where that came from!!! By the way, he’s in K4.

    My new thing going forward is to tell my children’s teachers at the start of the school year that I promise to take all that the kids say about THEM with a grain of salt as long as they promise to believe the same about my husband & me!!!

    Gotta love these funny, smart kids though – they keep us on our toes…..sometimes just wish God didn’t trust me so much as a parent with them though – it’s tough!!!

  8. Sounds somewhat similar to what my seven year old pulled this week. In the second of a couple similiar incidents, I got a text from the mother of 7 yr old’s best friend asking in a not-nosey way whether or not we’re moving to P, the town my parents live in nine hours from here. I assured her we are not and asked why she might have that idea. Seems my 7 yr old told her 7 yr old that we are AND asked her to keep this news a secret. Sooo, because we’re such mature parents, tomorrow night husband and I are gonna bring a truck load of boxes home and let her think we’re actually moving. Yes, I can see a lot of the many ways this could backfire on us, but I’m hoping we’ll get attention about lying.

  9. carpoolqueen

    By the way, TOTALLY jinxed myself with that earlier comment I left.


  10. You are going to be in my town?! How fun! Hope the concert is wonderful. 🙂

  11. Laughing out loud… Oh the things our kids say!!!

  12. I am CRYING here, I’m laughing so hard. I love it. And THANKS for the tip about the concert. I am so there! I LOVE NEEDTOBREATHE!!!! Well, and almost every name you mentioned!!

    And the kids … yeah. I get that too. During “Healthy Bodies Week” Ellie told her teacher that I make her eat at Burger King every day. She went on to explain how sick she was of Burger King French fries and how she planned to tell me where to stick them as soon as I picked her up from school. (These are not her actual words, but my paraphrase of her 4-year-old fury.)

    Both my kids have taken turns telling teachers and people at church how much I love to drink. I don’t know why they can’t remember the word “coffee.” No, it’s just “my mom drinks all the time! She spends all our money on drinks and then we can’t go to the zoo ’cause she has to drink.” (I may or may not have lied to my kids about not having any money because I didn’t want to spend another day at the zoo we may or may not have already visited a thousand times in the few short years we’ve lived here.)

  13. We do NOT have that Pina Colada here but it better come soon!! YUMMY!!!!!

    Well, Connor told my Mama yesterday that I get him started on his work and “forget about him while I get on the computer”! OUCH! Which isn’t ENTIRELY true but… 😉

    Funny little Snoodles!

  14. The pina colada incident is HILARIOUS. It reminds me of the time that my kids told my very Southern Baptist inlaws that their mother (that would be ME) loved, and I mean LOVED margaritas and that I needed “The Margerator” that they saw in the Sears catalog. The earth didn’t open up and swallow me much to my chagrin.

  15. Is it wrong that this post made me crave some peanut butter and coconut? I wonder if she’s onto something…

  16. You’re kids are hilarious!!! Mine hang me out to dry like that too. . . unfortunately, more than I like 🙂 Have a great weekend!

  17. “if you like Pina Coldas…..or gettin’ caught in the rain….”

    I’ll be singing all day.

    And for the record….I like them too.

  18. When our little PK was 4, this was the conversation in the nursery.

    Teacher: That’s a good picture of a church you are coloring. do you like church?

    Brother: Yes, but my daddy doesn’t like his church, so he’s looking for a new one.

    THANKFULLY! The teacher was my friend and didn’t tell anyone else. She sure got a laugh out of it, though.

  19. Crack.Me.Up.

    Not unlike when the children informed my very Southern Baptist parents that the reason we had left them with the grandparents for the weekend was so that “mama can go dancing all night and not have to worry about taking care of us.”


  20. Last year when we were doing some neighborhood flyers for the church we had a couple from one of our sponsors helping us. They brought their two daughters to help. After we finished I was getting the kids a snack and had this conversation with their 6 year old.

    6 yo”These are your two boys”

    Me “Yes and the other two boys (with dh) are mine too, I have 4 boys.”

    6yo “You have all boys.”

    Me “yes”

    6yo “You don’t have any dresses then.”

    Me “No, we don’t have dresses.”

    6yo “My Daddy likes to wear my Mommy’s clothes sometimes.”

    I didn’t laugh out loud but I did chuckle to myself and thought I bet your mommy doesn’t know you tell people that.

    I still get tickled thinking about it.

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