Why I’m Not Sleeping These Days

The following conversation took place inside my head early Sunday morning:

I’m awake. Why am I awake? Is it today yet? Wait. I guess it’s always today. What time is it? Where’s my alarm clock?

Is that a 3? It’s either a 3 or a 5. If it’s a 3 maybe I’ll have time to fall back to sleep. Yeah. It’s a 3.

It’s 3:30.

Is that night or day? I don’t think it’s either. Am I even awake? Maybe I’m not aw—What was that?!

Someone’s in the attic. Why is someone in the attic? Are we being robbed? Should I wake up K?

If we’re being robbed, that is a very unstealthy burglar. And he must have very small feet. And a propensity to scamper. I don’t think that’s a grown-up.

Why are the kids in the attic? We haven’t had a sleepwalker in a long time. Wait. What’s that scratching sound?! That’s not a kid. I just trimmed everyone’s nails.

Lord love a duck. There’s an animal in my attic!

It’s probably a squirrel. It’s a squirrel, right? Well, what else it could be? Raccoon? Skunk? Oh, that would be nasty! What if it’s a skunk?! How in the world would you get a skunk smell out of your house?! Paint it with tomato juice? How much tomato juice would you have to buy to paint a house? Wait a minute. How would a skunk get on the roof to climb in the attic. It’s not a skunk. This place is crawling with squirrels. It’s a squirrel.


What if it’s a rat?! Oh great oogly moogly. This would be exactly what I deserve. Last week when Sus was telling that sweet story about Travis and the rat didn’t I get all sappy with my “Get Travis the rat, Susan” and “Rats aren’t that bad if they’re your own rats, Susan.” Well, that’s NOT MY RAT!

It’s not a rat. It’s a squirrel. Or it’s a very big rat. No it’s a squirrel. Ha. That’s funny. Sus has squirrels in her attic, too. What did she say they had to do? Something about a trap? That doesn’t sound good. That’s weird that we both have squirrels in our attic. What are the odds? I’ll bet you could Google and find out what the odds are.

And why would it be better for it to be a squirrel instead of a rat? They’re both rodents! Squirrels just have prettier tails.

Well, it found it’s way in, maybe it will get out the same way.

Or what if it gets lost? And it dies up there? *Gag* Do I smell dead squirrel? Not likely, Goofy. No way would it have died and decomposed in the last five minutes.

Maybe I should go in the attic and see if I can see it.

And then what, Einstein? Invite it down for chai and a pecan sandy? I don’t even have any pecan sandies. I have Vanilla Wafers. I could serve them with a side of peanuts. Since squirrels are all about the nuts.

What if it’s rabid? What if I open the attic door and it attacks my face? Like the killer rabbit in Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Grail! Or what if it escapes from the attic and gets lost in the house somewhere? That would be the worst game of hide and seek ever!!

What is it doing up there?! It sounds like it’s chewing something. Is it eating all of our stuff?!  I’ll bet it’s pooping. What does squirrel poop even look like? Again, I could Google. I have enough to clean up without worrying about squirrel poop. Maybe I should just be very quiet until he goes away. I certainly don’t want to scare more poop out of him.

If it’s a he.

What if it’s a she? And she’s pregnant?

What if she picked our attic as the place to give birth to her little squirrel babies? What if a family of squirrels takes up residence in our attic? Is it even squirrel baby season? Do they have a season for that?

I wonder who the Base calls to take care of squirrels. Oh, no! What if they call this guy?! I don’t want to end up on his show with my squirrel problems! That would be so embarrassing. And then everyone would see our junky attic! I really need to clean out the attic.

But now I can’t.

Because of the squirrel.

It sounds like he/she has settled down. Maybe he left.

Nope. There he is again. Is he chewing through the ceiling?! Wait a minute. This room has a/c vents in the ceiling. Could he poop through that thing? OR WORSE, could he ESCAPE into here through that thing?

He’s quiet again. Maybe he’s sleeping. Squirrels aren’t nocturnal, are they? I mean I always see them during the day. I’ll Google it.

Okay. If he’s quiet for five minutes, he’s probably through walking around up there for the night. I’ll just lie here for five minutes and then I’ll try to go back to sleep.

Four minutes and forty-five seconds and he starts chewing again. Seriously? Are you kidding me?  I think he’s taunting me. WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP THERE?!?!

Oh, look. It’s nine minutes until my alarm’s going to go off. Might as well just get up. No way will I fall to sleep in that…..



Hello, Sunday. At least I don’t hear the…..Nope. He’s still there.

So what have we learned today, class?

A. Whimzie is a light sleeper.

B. Whimzie has a vivid and warped imagination.

When we apply some algebra to the equation,

A +  B = Heebie Jeebies + No Sleep

I think it’s going to be a squirrelly week!



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13 responses to “Why I’m Not Sleeping These Days

  1. This cracked me up! A squirrelly week? That is great! 🙂 I hope that rodent leaves and leaves very soon, so you’re able to get some sleep!

  2. I could relate to your conversation with yourself….we have a similar sound in our attic. I never did figure out what it was(birds?). Thanks for a peak into your thoughts. Very cute.

  3. Yikes! That was exhausting!
    Good Luck

  4. I fear a switch to decaf may be in order.

  5. Chris

    Naming it always makes it a bit tougher to part with …so don’t do that. Didn’t you have a rat named Langen? And I mean the literal rat, not the figurative name that I heard on the trip back from our recruiting night at Parkway!

  6. OH, my! This is good (well, bad, but hilarious!) I totally relate! I’m known to have these nocturnal self talks! It’s horrible for sleep, you’re right!

  7. Wow! That was impressive. I’ve learned today that you have an amazing memory and wit. Even if it’s not verbatim…it’s impressive. You have a gift.

  8. Who needs a V-8 when they could read this?! Thank you for this. But I hope your squirrel momma and her compound leave soon. I’m sure there are *humane* traps. Just ask Mr. CPQ.

  9. carpoolqueen

    If you figure out how to get rid of your squirrel, give me a call. Apparently writing a $225 check to Trapper Dan doesn’t do it.

  10. This made me LAUGH out loud. You poor, poor sleep-deprived thing.

  11. all the way hysterical- good stuff, sistah!

    I love peeking into other people’s neuroses. makes me feel less alone.

    (I totally mean neuroses in the best possible way… awkwardly trying to say my brain works just like yours and it makes me happy)

  12. I think CPQ snuck one in your bag the last time you were together.

    It’s always nice to have a friend in the same predicament!

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