After weeks of repeats and lame summer shows, the new fall TV season has finally arrived. Now I could attempt to make you believe that I don’t watch TV. I could say that I’m usually reading Tozer and studying systematic theology but that would be a lie. I have a DVR and I’m not afraid to use it. Plus if I tried to make you think I’m too good to watch TV my Tweeps would probably call me out, especially since yesterday afternoon I engaged in a lengthy discussion with them about all things new-TV-season-related. I normally start the season attempting to watch way more shows than is actually possible. I don’t sweat it because one of two things usually happens. Either the show will turn out to be incredibly lame and I’ll quit watching or I’ll fall madly in love with the show and the network will cancel the show to punish me (Ed, Eli Stone, Life? I’ll always remember the times we had together.)
I think it would be fun to be one of the people who thinks up new ideas for TV shows. I’m sure those peoples have official titles but I don’t know what they’re called. Developers, maybe? I’m pretty sure they don’t write “Person Who Thinks Up New Ideas for TV Shows” on the Occupation line of all the forms they have to fill for their kids at the beginning of the school year. Then again, maybe they do.
If I were a Person Who Thinks Up New Ideas for TV Shows, I might create shows like this:
“Why Not? to Wear”: Mom tries to explain why every red shirt doesn’t match every pair of red shorts, why wearing the same shirt three days in a row is….gross, and why putting clean clothes in the laundry hamper and dirty clothes back in your drawers makes Mom do that funny cry-talk thing.
“What’s That Smell?”: This is a competition show. Each week a team of players tries to figure out where and what that funky smell is. Did someone forget to turn the disposal on when they scraped the dinner plates? Did someone throw a banana peel in the recyclables can? Did someone forget to put the load from the washer into the dryer? Or does someone need to be a contestant on another great new show….
“You CAN Flush”: This is a motivational show led by a team of psychologists who work with young boys on their quest to become good flushers. Episodes include “You Are Strong Enough to Push Down That Lever” and “No One Really Wants to See That.”
“Bedtime Survivor”: A battle of wills between parents and children to see who can Outwit, Outplay, and Outlast bedtime. Kids employ techniques such as One More Drink of Water, I Have to Go to the Bathroom, I Forgot That I Need an Egyptian Army Made From Popsicle Sticks and Felt for School Tomorrow, I Think I Have a Hangnail/a Tummyache/Coalmikinosis, and I Think a Dwarf is Trying to Break in Our House and Kidnap Me. Parents resort to Manipulation, Threats, Bribes, and sometimes Tears.
The Dinnerist: This show is a lot like the Mentalist, except instead of trying to help the police solve crimes, the Dinnerist helps Desperate Housewives (the real ones, not the ones who play them on TV on Hysteria Lane) know what they should cook for dinner. In the pilot episode the Dinnerist saves the day by creating a casserole from the only things the housewife had in her kitchen: old sandwich meat, half-and-half, marshmallows, and a can of cream of something.
Twenty Items or Less: We have enough lawyer, crime, and hospital shows. Why not set a show in the place where most moms can relate? The Grocery Store. The show could follow the lives of a group of shoppers who meet weekly in the store to discuss kids, laundry, and which laundry detergent smells the best.
If you were a Person Who Thinks Up New Ideas for TV Shows, what shows would you create?