Round Infinity?

The spot on my dad’s MRI that was supposed to be nothing is actually cancer. We’re waiting for his oncologist to talk to his neurosurgeon and radiologist so that he can present us with the best treatment options.

I updated my dad’s CaringBridge site yesterday with this news so I don’t really want to go into it all over again here.

I’ll probably be the only member of my family (besides K and the Little Snoodles, of course) at church tomorrow and frankly, I’m dreading it. Not the being at church part. I’m actually looking forward to the praise and worship.  The jagged places inside me need the music to smooth them out a little. Music is like medicine for me.

What I’m dreading is the people. Please understand, I love the people at my church. They are more like family to me than many of the people to whom I’m actually related.  My dad has been one of their pastors for twenty-four years and they love him and they love my family. But my emotions are held loosely together right now by the most fragile of strings.  People with the very best intentions who love my dad will want to talk about this latest news tomorrow and I just can not do it. Talking about it with them will break all my strings. But if they completely ignore me I’ll probably take that personally because I’m hypersensitive right now. Welcome to “Derned if You Do, Derned if You Don’t.”

I know it’s okay to be emotional and I’m putting voice to my feelings in the places I feel safest when the time is right for me.  But for my own sanity and for the well-being of my children, I don’t want to walk around in a big blob of tears and snot tomorrow. And I don’t have the energy to tell the same story over and over again to every person who asks.  I’m not even talking about this in any detail with my very closest friends just now. It’s too new and raw for me to talk about it out loud right now.

I greatly appreciate your prayers for me. Sometimes I feel sorry for the friends I’ve made here at Snoodlings since my dad’s diagnosis. I used to be a lot of fun and hardly ever talked about cancer.  In fact, I had planned to finish up a Family Secret yesterday but after we got back from the doctor, I just didn’t feel very lighthearted. Maybe I should change my name from Whimzie to Whimzie-Not-So-Much. No,  I’m still Whimzie. I’m just a little more thinky these days than I usually am. But please know that I’m okay. I’m hurting, but I know Where to take those hurts. My family will be okay.

This morning I read the latest Stuff Christians Like post. It’s one of my absolute favorite blogs because Jon makes me laugh (a lot) but he often makes me think. Today he talked a little bit about wrestling with God. I’ve talked a little about some of my wrestling matches with God. I feel like I’ve spent the last few months engaged in some kind of weird pay-per-view cage fight with God. But in this particular cage fight one of the fighters has no fighting experience whatsoever except for slapping on her brother in the back seat of their mom’s Chevrolet Caprice Classic station wagaon when he crossed over the imaginary line. In fact, she was just minding her own business, reading a little bit of  the Mitford series in bed before she turned out the light to catch some Zs, when she was jerked out of bed  (wearing her pajamas) and thrown into a cage with the Great Almighty, World Champion for Infinity. Yeah, that seems fair.

I hate fighting of all kinds because I hate conflict. I especially loathe fighting sports and my most unfavorite fighting sport of all is wrestling. I think it’s gross. I hate the uniforms. I certainly have no desire to wrestle with God, of all opponents. Like I said in my comment on Jon’s post, “I think in my mind I’d confused wrestling with God with being in conflict with God. I don’t understand something He’s doing in my life so He challenges me to some big UFC match that He knows I can’t win and beats the truth into me. I find it especially distasteful because I’ve always hated the sport of wrestling and God knows that, so to me wrestling with Him seemed doubly cruel.”

But Jon was saying that  a counselor once told him that God loves to wrestle with us “because you can’t wrestle with someone who is far away.”  Jon went on to say, “I think He wants me near to His side, close enough to feel His breath and know His strength. And when I approach to wrestle over an issue with Him, like Jacob wrestling, I don’t think He is angry. I think He is happy, because I am close. Sure, I want to surrender and trust without question, but I no longer see wrestling as instant failure.”

I really needed to read that this morning. When I think about how much wrestling I’ve done over the past few months and realized that He was inviting me to yet another round, I thought offhandedly, “If He draws me any closer, I’ll be completely inside Him.”

Oh.

Wow.

Maybe that’s the point.

If we could just do something about the uniforms.

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32 Comments

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32 responses to “Round Infinity?

  1. Ever-praying my friend. Love you.

  2. You know a lot of athletic terms, Whimz. I’m impressed, especially since you’re not a wrestling fan.

    Sigh…

    That was my little attempt at humor in the face of this hard, hard, sucky, cancer news.

    All I really have is this: He’s got you, my friend. He’s got you.

    And as with Tiff…praying.

  3. tls

    What if you call it an outfit instead of a uniform? Still praying! love you!

  4. Thanks for this post. I feel ya, friend.

  5. Jennifer Gregory

    Amy, when and if I see you at church tomorrow I’m going to use code, like this…

    J: “Hey girl” — this translates to, read your blog and CB, it really sucks, I am sad and sad for you guys

    A: “Hey”

    J: “See ya later, have a good day!” — this means I’m praying for you guys and hoping God shows up in some mighty ways. And if I turn quick it is because you and your mom make this feel like our walk too and I might tear up but you won’t see that, I promise, or not…

    Hang in there, you guys are so loved!

  6. I feel redundant.

    But I am praying, friend. For you. Your daddy. For healing. And for peace.

  7. I am praying for you and your Dad as well!!

    You are still Whimzie….and your honesty and open-ness….your real-ness… are some of your awesome qualities.

    Sending a huge hug!

  8. You may hate me and all of my bible verse regurgitation right now, but I’m puttin myself out there yet again…

    #1- your revelation about abiding IN Him is profound

    #2- I immediately thought of Song of Songs 2:14- maybe it’s what the Lord is saying to you right now. Maybe not, but I thought I’d share. I DO know that he wants to see your face and that your voice IS sweet to Him and your face IS lovely. Even in your weakness and your brokenness.

    Will continue to pray for your heart through it all. And for your daddy’s health. Hug him today and try to take one moment at a time.

    Love you.

    And if you hate me, I’ll totally understand. 😉

    • whimzie

      I could never hate you.

      That was a beautiful verse and I love you all the more for sharing it with me. Thank you, friend.

  9. Praying for you and your family. I hope your church family will be Jesus hands, feet, arms and soul to you during this time. I pray that they will be the physical out pouring that so many of your real life but long distance friends want to be. Love you!

  10. Praying for you sweet friend in my computer…praying hard.

    I’ve walked this path before, and it just plain Stinks. I’ve often thought about writing a blog post entitled: “What NOT to say to your friend whose parent has cancer”.

    I’m praying for your heart to be lightened and your burden to be lifted. But, most of all, I’m praying that you would find rest and comfort in the midst of your ‘rasslin. (how is that for southern humor? 🙂 )

  11. carpoolqueen

    I would say something but I’m still crying. Wrestling sucks.

  12. I am praying for you and your family and your wrestling match. I’ve been on the mat with God myself a time or two, and because of that, I appreciate your honesty and grace with which you are writing about this situation.

  13. Lydia Stevenson

    Thanks for your open raw honesty. I think sometimes as believers we are not real enough and think we are less Christians if we have “real, hurting feelings. We can trust our Lord completely but still feel sad and hurt. We know He holds us and wipes away our tears. When we lost our first babies, the people who truly blessed me were the ones who held me and didn’t say much but said it all with hugs and looks of I am here with ya girl. I don’t know your pain but I feel sorry that you are in pain. I came to realize most people don’t know what to say and some won’t say a thing out of fear of saying the wrong thing. Their motives are good though, they love you and your daddy. So sweet, precious friend of mine I wish you could see my eyes and see them say I am with ya girl in prayer and spirit. You are precious and special, a very wise and full of grace woman. Wish we had hung out more back in the day.You might have rubbed off on me more.

  14. I’ve done my bit of, what we in NC call “wrastlin” with God lately. He always seems to be the one that picks me up off of the mat and wipes my tears.

    Praying for you, sweetie.

  15. I am praying for you my friend.

  16. Don’t ever apology….this is where you are and what you are dealing with…I am glad you share it with us in blogland….I will pray for you~

    sandy toe

  17. Like all the others, I weep with and pray for you. Wish I could jump in and take some of the burden for you. I’m trusting that sometime, somehow, somewhere – God’s glory will shine through all this!!

  18. You don’t have to be funny. I’m so sorry, will pray for you.

  19. Marie

    Dear Whimzie, I am praying!

  20. Friend…you are in my thoughts and prayers….I know these are hard days…and you hurt…..
    Praying for you tomorrow as you face the many things people say and will want to know…
    I know you are exhausted….

    With love,
    Teresa

  21. I’m praying for your Dad, you and the rest of your family.

  22. rmarch979

    Sweet friend, I’ve been praying since I heard…

  23. Whimzie, (…someday that name will feel like yours again)

    I just want you to know that I love you.

    I am praying that God will be the lifter of your head as you get ready for church this morning. I am praying that He will give you courage and strength. I am praying that you will lean in on Him and that you will feel the peace of His nearness. That the wrestling will cease for the moment and you will feel His tender love for you and your family.

    I am praying that today, even with words like “cancer” and “MRI” and “tests” are casually thrown around as if they don’t weight a ton, that your burden would be lifted with encouragement to get you through this morning.

    Amy, I am praying for you.

    Love you.

  24. I once heard the phrase ‘even if this lasts the rest of my life, it won’t last forever’- to the world, this is not very comforting, and it’s not even true. But for those of us who know Jesus, sometimes it’s the only thing we can cling to when the rounds keep coming and coming.
    it stinks beyond measure, sis. may you find comfort in Him at church this morning.

  25. Girl thanks for sharing. And know that I’m praying. For realz

  26. Deb

    So, so sorry.

    Abba, be close to Whimzie.

    To her dad. To her family.

    Don’t be far off from them.

    Be their strength.

    Come quickly to help them.

    In Jesus’ name.

    (from Psalm 22:19)

    Love you.

    Sweet dreams.

  27. Sometimes it is harder to face the people that love you and care about you.

    How was your day today?????

  28. Richard

    Wow. do I feel like a complete horse’s patoot! Obviously, I had not yet read your Saturday post
    before church this morning. That will teach me to be behind on the whimzie musings.

    I hope I was not too much of a “string breaker” this morning with my ramblings. You know I think the world of you and your family and would never want to hurt you in any way.

    We are praying for all of you and are thinking of all of you often (although I will try to make sure
    the places I think of you are more appropriate. I am sure Kelly knows some kind of cool
    military choke hold he could use on me).

    Hang in there. We love you and are praying for you and your family.

    Richard Ray

  29. Sending Mary Jane Bread with lots of cheese your way.
    Love you
    Albany

  30. Wow. What a story YOU have to tell. I’m not sure how you found me, but now I’ve found you, too and will be praying.

    kim

  31. Wow. We’re supposed to be encouraging you, and here you are doing the encouraging and being so profound. Thank you for your words.

    Friend on my screen…I’m praying.

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