Not Fit for Human Consumption

My thoughts today aren’t fit for human consumption.

Yesterday, on two different occasions I laid my soul bare for a couple of safe and trusted friends to see.

I had lunch and a little retail therapy with a treasured friend. We hadn’t had a chance to be “just the two of us” since I moved back home.  I was reminded  that although I’d like to be the one who always has it together and always knows what to say to a friend who needs me, right now I’m the friend in need.

Last night, for the first time since he started his new job, my husband and I had a chance to sit down and talk, just the two of us. I was reminded that before I ever loved him, I really, really liked him and that our friendship is probably what has saved our marriage on more than one occasion.

They listened and I talked.

About hurt feelings and misunderstandings, brokenness and healing, injustice and justice, mercy and forgiveness, despair and hope, feeling abandoned and feeling loved beyond my ability to comprehend. About horrific ugliness and unexplainable beauty. It felt good to be heard.

But today I feel a little raw and tentative.

I would liken my current state  to that feeling of staring blankly into the refrigerator or the pantry looking for something to satisfy a craving that you just can’t name.

I feel like the blackboard has been erased and I have a big empty space that needs words, but I don’t know what to write.

Everything I’ve ever believed about everything has been tested. I’m relieved to say that my faith passed the test, but I don’t completely recognize it anymore. I feel like I’m starting all over again at the very beginning.

So today, I have thoughts but they are part of a private conversation that I’m holding within my heart. I hope you’ll understand.

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20 Comments

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20 responses to “Not Fit for Human Consumption

  1. Your title made me think you were going to post about your dinner improvisations.

    But no, it was much more deep than that.

    I understand a lot of what you’re saying. Thanks for sharing it with us. I’m praying.

  2. I’ve already been praying for your rainbow, friend.
    Much love…

  3. It was time. Your turn to release. I’m grateful you had two soft spots on which to land your heart. Understandably, it’s feeling fragile now. Praying the space & quiet you need to continue this conve rsation with the One who loves you beyond comprehension.

  4. Praying for you. I have felt so lost myself this summer. You have been through a lot and have every right to feel the way you do. I think mine is more chemical than anything I can put my finger on. I hope things start to look up for you very soon! I’m glad you have those two that let you bare your soul and love you unconditionally! It’s such a blessing.

  5. Wow, you have such a great way with words. I was able to understand exactly how you are feeling without you telling me well… anything.

    I know I am just a stranger “who lives in your computer” (I love that phrase!) but I can empathize with your feelings- a lot, actually- you are not alone virtually or in person; it sounds like you have good people in your life to take care of you.

    I hope you feel better soon.

  6. I’m in a season of starting over in some things in my life too, and I have a similar lost feeling. The pantry analogy is spot on! I’m so glad you had a chance to pour out some of your thoughts and feelings with people who care and love you. We all need to be heard that way! The raw feeling the next day is totally worth it.

  7. You don’t even need to explain yourself to us, but I’m glad you shared enough that we could just be praying for you. And that I will.

  8. carpoolqueen

    So glad that you could release some of the words that have been hidden in your heart for a while.

  9. Sweet friend,

    Be easy with yourself…You’ve been through a lot, for a long time! So glad you have friends who are able to help carry the burden, if only in a little way.

    And you have friends (like me!) who are willing to stand in the gap, and ask our Father to lift this cloud that sits upon you!

    Praying for you!

  10. frump2mom

    Oh girl, I totally understand….man, how I understand.

  11. Deena

    My sweet friend – I’m praying for you today.

  12. I think we are in the same kitchen!:)
    Powerful words. I will be praying.

  13. You have such a beautiful way with words, friend. You often describe things I feel but haven’t been able to express adequately.

  14. Deb

    “I feel like the blackboard has been erased and I have a big empty space that needs words, but I don’t know what to write.”

    Sometimes, I stand there too.

    I don’t usually have the courage to admit it.

    I’m so glad that you do.

    I don’t feel so alone. So imperfect.

    Sweet dreams.

  15. you are fit…because God loves misfits, right?

    My sweet girl. It’s those moments, raw and real, letting it all go, that bind us up in the arms of Jesus on earth..within the safety of our friends, husband, whomever He may send…

    You’re allowed and I’m glad you realize even with after the effects of wordlessness and renewals, that you can and should be exactly where you are…i love you.

  16. I understand a little.

    XOXO

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