My thoughts today aren’t fit for human consumption.
Yesterday, on two different occasions I laid my soul bare for a couple of safe and trusted friends to see.
I had lunch and a little retail therapy with a treasured friend. We hadn’t had a chance to be “just the two of us” since I moved back home. I was reminded that although I’d like to be the one who always has it together and always knows what to say to a friend who needs me, right now I’m the friend in need.
Last night, for the first time since he started his new job, my husband and I had a chance to sit down and talk, just the two of us. I was reminded that before I ever loved him, I really, really liked him and that our friendship is probably what has saved our marriage on more than one occasion.
They listened and I talked.
About hurt feelings and misunderstandings, brokenness and healing, injustice and justice, mercy and forgiveness, despair and hope, feeling abandoned and feeling loved beyond my ability to comprehend. About horrific ugliness and unexplainable beauty. It felt good to be heard.
But today I feel a little raw and tentative.
I would liken my current state to that feeling of staring blankly into the refrigerator or the pantry looking for something to satisfy a craving that you just can’t name.
I feel like the blackboard has been erased and I have a big empty space that needs words, but I don’t know what to write.
Everything I’ve ever believed about everything has been tested. I’m relieved to say that my faith passed the test, but I don’t completely recognize it anymore. I feel like I’m starting all over again at the very beginning.
So today, I have thoughts but they are part of a private conversation that I’m holding within my heart. I hope you’ll understand.