Getting Knocked Unconscious in Kickball (or My Life as a Sports Star)

I spent most of the day yesterday proofreading K’s paper before he has to submit it. K’s 352 page paper. The 352 page paper for which I’ve lost my edits twice. I’m surprised none of you heard the screaming. I’ve stopped now (screaming, that is) but I needed a brief reprieve before I resumed my search for extraneous commas, awkward phrasing, etc. Did I mention that I’m a psych major with a nursing degree? I have no business proofreading this paper! But I digress.

Anyway, my sweet friend Gretchen had a fun little random question post on her blog yesterday and I thought it might be fun on this Casual Friday to play along. She asked and answered four random questions. I may only answer the first one because the others require me to either make a decision or choose a favorite and any of you who have been hanging around with me for any amount of time know how I feel about choosing favorites.  Since I’m choosing the questions does that negate the randomness that was intended in the original post? Does it matter? Let’s just answer the questions, shall we?

1. Have you ever played on an organized sports team?

At this point my mom and Aunt D are probably snorting coffee out their noses.  “That wouldn’t be very nice,” you may be thinking. “Surely they wouldn’t laugh! That would be so cruel.” Well, these are the women who used to quip, “Have a nice trip, Grace?” every time I stumbled even slightly, so yeah, they’re laughing. And truthfully, they have reason to be amused.  Have I ever played on an organized sports team? Well, that depends. Would marching band be considered an organized sports team? No? Well, then no. I haven’t.

I was always that kid who was first kicked for the spelling bee, last picked for kickball at P.E..  I was that kid they sent to play outfield. Way outfield. So far outfield that I could actually play outfield for the team playing kickball on the field beside ours.  Not that the other field’s team would let me. My friends and I soon realized that we wouldn’t be seeing much action in outer Mongolia, so we actually enjoyed playing defense best. We’d lie on our backs and talk about how that cloud under the sun looked like Snoopy lying on his doghouse. We’d tie knots in weeds and shoot the buds at each other. Well, they would. I never was very good at that. We’d make daisy chains. Well, they would. I was never very good at that. Sometimes, we’d move in a little closer to the infield to see if anything was actually happening on the red dirt part of the field that we weren’t supposed to be near. Sometimes as we edged closer we’d run into people who were playing for the other team. “What are you doing here?” we’d ask. “Your team went in to bat ten minutes ago,” they’d say in that way that makes you feel like you just got peeled off the bottom of someone’s shoe. 

Yep. My team would try to go to bat (Or would you say “to foot” if you’re playing kickball?) without telling me. That was fine with me, but every now and then Coach Wilson would realize that I hadn’t actually been in close proximity to a ball in several months. He’d force my team to give me a chance at the plate. I can still recall that feeling of dread and horror as I waited for the person on the mound to roll that red kickball to me. No matter how I timed it, I never seemed to make contact with that ball. One day I somehow ended up standing precariously on top of the ball for a split second. Next thing I knew, the ball flew out from beneath my feet. I think I may have lost a few seconds from the time I was airborne to the time I landed  with my head on home plate. I looked up and saw a sea of faces looking down at me. With concern? Empathy? Sympathy? No, it was more like apathy mingled with a little aftertaste of disgust.

When Coach Wilson decided to teach us how to play football in P.E., I was actually a little excited. Maybe this would be my sport! Maybe I would be like the girl in those movies who defeats the gender prejudice of her day to join the varsity team! I had already decided Lisa Whelchel would play me in my after-school special movie version. After watching my best moves for a good fifteen minutes, Coach called me to the sidelines and said, “Ables, why don’t we teach you how to keep score?” I quit looking for Lisa Whelchel’s home number. I hated P.E., loved indoor recess (Heads Up, 7-Up; Doggie, Doggie, Who’s Got the Bone?), and loathed field day. The only ribbons I ever got for field day  were the participation ones. “Yay! You Showed Up Today” “Good for You! You Weren’t Absent!” Everyone had to sign up for at least one event. I did the Egg on a Spoon Relay (messy), Sack Race (still have the burlap burn scars), and the Three-Legged Race (Like I’m not clutzy enough on my own two legs, let’s throw someone else we can maim into the mix) were my “best” events over the years.

It’s not that I didn’t want to be an athlete. I just never seemed to find my niche. I thought maybe track would be my thing. You’re on a team, but you still get to do your own thing. Maybe that would work. Did you ever see this episode of Friends?

I’ll give you a hint. I’m not the Rachel in the above scenario.

So, I’m not an athlete, but I married one. K is one of those guys who is an expert at things the first time he ever tries them. You name it, he can play it. But he never makes fun of my Phoebe run or my general lack of athletic prowess. And I think because of him, I’ve tried things I probably wouldn’t have tried on my own, like scuba diving and sky diving. I may have even let my new friend Michele talk me into buying a pair of these.  Who knows? I might be a runner after all!

2. What TV show are you loving right now and/or what shows have you been “addicted” to in the past?

I refuse to answer this question on the grounds  it may incriminate me. I will tell you this, if you truly a hate a show and want it off the air, tell me to start watching it. That will kill it. Kill it dead. I used to LOVE “Eli Stone.” Dead. I think I’m the one responsible for killing “Ed.”  Right now, I’m just hoping I don’t kill “Friday Night Lights” or “Life.”

3. A two-parter: (a) What is your favorite Beatles song? (b) Is there a song you’re loving right now?

So, Whimzie, which is your favorite child? I don’t do favorites. I start thinking of what might be my favorite Beatles song and then I see five more songs standing on the sidlines of my brain saying, “What about us? Don’t you like us? Pick us.” I can’t stand them looking all needy Meredith Grey, so I just can’t pick any of them. (“Blackbird,” “Hey, Jude,” “All You Need is Love,” “Don’t Let Me Down,” “Drive My Car,” “Get Back,” “Golden Slumbers,” “Good Day, Sunshine”—I told you I shouldn’t answer this question!)

Other song I’m enjoying right now? All of them. Every single song. I love them all. Which reminds me of another Beatles song that should be on my list: “In My Life.” “In my life, I loved them all.” Oh, and “Revolution.” And seriously, STOP.  How about what I was listening to last night? Last night I was listening to the new album (even though it’s not an album; it’s not even a CD; it’s an iTunes download) by Gomez. I enjoy Gomez. And Dave Barnes. And why are we starting this again? Music is my anti-drug. I saw that on a poster in the T station one day.

4. Where would you fly away to, right now, if you could possibly do it?

“I don’t understand the question and I won’t respond to it.” That’s a quote from “Arrested Development,” by the way. Yet another show I caused to be cancelled. When I think of all the actors and production crew I’ve put out of work, I’m ashamed of myself.

Okay. I’m back to edit the paper. I need to finish because today’s supposed to be a beautiful day. We might see the upper 60s here in New England! If it’s really nice, I may go outside and work on my kickball moves. Happy Friday!




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20 responses to “Getting Knocked Unconscious in Kickball (or My Life as a Sports Star)

  1. Oh my gosh, you are my long lost sister, and we never even knew it! I was the other girl so far away from the field that nobody could even see me!

    I laughed so hard that I cried reading about your athletic inabilities…sooo the story of my life!

    Marching band? Right there with ya!

    And, just for the record, Corey doesn’t use the restraint that your husband seems to use…I still get teased ALL the time!

    But it’s ok now.

    Sniff, Sniff.

    After years of therapy, and since I’m not having to go through the sheer and utter humiliation of being the last one picked on a daily basis anymore, I can laugh about it too!

  2. laughing all the way out loud. this entire post could be mine.

    I’m not Rachel either.

  3. oh, and I also cause shows to be canceled, and get asked to keep score. we’d make a great team.

  4. Deena

    I could relate to this one too! Now when you are over 6 feet tall, you are automatically expected to be athletic. I am sooo not! My whole life – even still – people ask me, “Did you play basketball?” No, I didn’t. I was the manager. Yes, I was taller than any of the players on the team.

    I never played on any of our Tri Chi teams, and I only took PE classes in college because it was a graduation requirement.

    Surprisingly, I’m a big sports fan. My husband appreciates that even if I won’t participate, I will happily watch the games.

    Oh – I was in marching band too. See – we were meant to be friends!

  5. I sooooo… understand. they actually call me a “ball magnet.” I can’t do anything with any kind of ball, except get hit in the head with them. It doesn’t matter where I’m standing or sitting, it always comes hurling my way.

  6. You need to post a warning when your posts are this funny. I’m sitting in my bed (showered and back in my pjs) drinking hot tea which I just spewed all over my clean pjs, comforter, and keyboard while laughing at your sports “trauma”.

    I quit band once they made us start marching. I couldn’t march and play at the same time. I had to focus on doing one of the two, and I didn’t want to be responsible for messing up the formation (which I’m sure I did but let’s not talk about that).

  7. Okay… I’m really mad at you now, because I really loved Arrested Development. It was stinkin funny. I had no idea it was all your fault. How could you???!!!! 😉 All I can say is you’d better not get near Micheal Scott and his brand new paper company…

  8. I used to loathe field day too!! I remember it like it was yesterday….it was that traumatic. My brother was the captain and star of soccer and basketball, I just enjoyed hiding in his shadow…not sure if that is sad or good?? Anyway…I now have 2 boys who insist on playing sports every day. I’m enjoying it….though I have this strange habit of ducking and squatting after pitching a baseball….I guess my own version of Phoebe 😉 Good stuff!

  9. Oh yeah, reading what Meredith wrote reminded me…I couldn’t march in the band and play an instrument very well, but that didn’t stop me…

    One night, I got through the WHOLE performance, and only later realized that I never even remembered to put my flute up to my mouth!

    That’s gotta make you feel better! 🙂

  10. carpoolqueen

    Did you kill Men in Trees? Or did I do that on my own? And Pushing Daisies? We’re going to have to have words.

    Please don’t start watching General Hospital.

    PS – And I would have picked you. Every stinkin’ time.

  11. Let’s just all link arms and sing Kum Ba Ya, shall we?

    a. won second place in spelling bee
    b. broke jaw playing softball–was waiting for my turn a smidge too close to the batter
    c. because of my girth, I was the “anchor” in the field day version of tug-a-war. Can feel rope burns now.
    d. hated red-rover
    e. was in marching band. flute, thank you
    f. lurve the FRIENDS clip–how I miss that show.
    g. I was always chosen as “Natalie” when we played FOL.
    May God bless and keep you through your editing of K’s 40 million page paper. Hope you get to enjoy some of that sun!

  12. Ah…the Phoebe run.

    You and me. We are those peas that are in that pod together.

  13. Could you BE any funnier??!!

    I am excellent at sports! Tennis, golf, bowling, ski jumping (did I mention that they are all on Wii??)…

    I often ponder “my favorite songs” (Beatles or not) and it’s literally impossible. I can’t even wrap my head around how many songs I love!!

    Friends is SUCH a great show! I miss it! Oh, and I LOVED Eli Stone!!

    Hang in there w/ the paper surely K will “rise and call you blessed”!!

  14. Amy, you always made me laugh so hard in college. I am so glad you found my blog so I could find your blog because you are making me laugh all over again. I’ll never forget your’s and Albany’s imitation of a 5 year old who wants to go home…and how much you wish we could still act that way. Anyway, is it ok if I link you? I want more laughs…

  15. I too am that person, except I was once chosen to represent the school for 20 minutes in the under 14 hockey B team! They replaced me after those 20 minutes, and never asked me back 🙂 BTW – we lost the match (!)

  16. You are HILARIOUS!!! Truth be known I’m more of a Phoebe than a Rachel in this episode . . . that is WHY I run. . . anybody can do it. Just pick up your feet and go. That’s why I LOVE it. If you push yourself enough at it, you can and will be good at it! No athletic ability required, whatsoever. Jon is the athlete in our family and Ash(middle child). In fact . . . I have a really weird run . . . Jon says I run like I’ve got a corn cob stuck up my butt . . . I hope I’ve encouraged you even more to start running!!!!

    Oh, and no one can pick you last in the running world b/c the only person you’re competing with is yourself.

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  18. Alex

    Marching band is a sport.
    Marching band is a sport.
    Marching band is a sport.

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